I started blogging a long time ago and lost interest after my mother passed away almost a couple years ago. I found myself writing only on special occasions such as my wedding anniversary, my birthday, or my kids' birthdays. For some reason, I thought I needed to do write, at least, for those reasons. In a couple weeks, it will be the anniversary of my mother's passing and I seem to find the pain to be less and less. And I find living life more fulfilling.
This past holiday season I planned more holiday traditions such as the oceanfront holiday lights, Botanical Gardens holiday lights, Christmas Town, holiday ornament party, and decorating the house starting Thanksgiving day. I realized our family enjoyed being together more when the atmosphere appeared more elaborate and bright. Being the wife and mother of this family paved the way for how the rest of the family looked at our family traditions and remembering our holiday traditions. Planning these events made me feel excited about every Christmas for years to come, every family vacation we'd go on, every birthday party, and so forth.
I stopped reminiscing about all the memories and holidays my mother created for me. Of course, I take those in consideration when planning my own family's traditions and creating my own kids' memories as a family but I wouldn't feel that sad void of my mother not being there anymore. I cannot live in the past to keep her memory alive. I can only take those memories of her as a sweet sentiment and tribute to the family traditions I create today.
Raising a torch, lighting a candle, or putting my mother on a pedestal is only keeping her as an idol in my life. The pain of losing my mother was a combination of grief, mourning, and the void of her absence. Reminiscing only the good memories of her created a false idea of who she was my entire life - human. My existence has a great amount to do with my mother but I realized I needed to pave my own way. As my hourglass keeps sifting the sand, each stage of my life becomes more apparent to me and a new revelation of my youth becomes more profound.
